I stare at the sky
And can’t help but cry
To know that you are high up somewhere
Instead of being home where you can be near
Hard to bear
Don’t think I have released my full tears
Wonder why, that I don’t know
- xsimplifyingmymindx May 2012 (photo taken by me on the beach with #instagram)
A Glimpse of Green…
written by me
I don’t know how to feel
news of new commitments
one as predicted
one out of left field
Ecstatic and congratulatory in statement,
my heart diving head first down into the basement
how am I supposed to feel
it’s all becoming so surreal
I fight the urge to dial back
hit rewind, replay old tracks
as if it were a movie on the big screen
feeling that awful sin, the color of green
It’s got me feeling some kind of way
choices I have made
would my story have played
out any differently, had they not been the same?
There’s no turning back time
because there’s a reason behind each line
no more muddling in the past,
break - fast,
for this feeling I feel, it’s purely benign
Because in the end
there’s only one way to feel
and it may not always be the ideal
but every story eventually reveals
And so I will know just how to feel
genuinely bright and winsome…
for me my time will sure come
and I’ll know in that moment it was made custom.
Mar 29 2012
A peak into my life at the moment…
It’s hard to watch someones fight with life, especially so, when that person is someone you hold so close. Ever since my grandfather came back to the states for one last time, that one last time became all too literal. My grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 2 years ago. He is from and lives in Portugal with my grandma. I only learned of said cancer about 2 months ago along with my mom and aunt. I think my uncle knew but that’s neither here nor there. In getting his medical records from Portugal, turns out they discovered he had bone mets and written there states that due to his age, treatment will not be considered. Are you F’ING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! That sh*t don’t fly here in the states!! My grandpa is just so stubborn with staying in his home country, he didn’t even think to come here to get treated. Again, he’s an old fashioned Portuguese man, I can’t say I’m surprised. :/
Well, about a month after being here in the states, my grandfather became ill and ended up in the hospital. Hospital stay #1 Turned out he had some internal bleeding (still confused bout what it really was) but all ended well as they treated him and made him look alive again. A week prior he looked white as a ghost and so weak, something was obviously wrong.
So plans were made and my grandpa was placed into a rehab so he could gain his strength back. While there he became depressed, sad, lonely. He and my grandma had never been apart before and this was killing him and her as well. He started to misunderstand the family and the reason for why he was in that place, that rehab place. So one day, the nurses were changing him and in the process happened to find a knife hidden. When asked, my grandpa said he wanted to kill himself and told my uncle to just take him home and shoot him. For some reason, he thought no one wanted him, that we were throwing him away and we were putting him there to leave him for good. :( I couldn’t believe my ears when I was at work and I got that call from my mom saying he got sent to the hospital for suicidal thoughts and the knife. Needless to say, grandpa bought himself a stay in the looney bin of the ER, luckily where I happened to work. Hospital stay #2. With further testing, he now had medical reasons to be admitted and was able to move out of the crazy pod into a regular ER room. He didn’t escape a watchman thou. I was glad that he ended up at my hospital at least because I was able to escape work for a little bit to go see him. It was heartbreaking to hear him speak of wanting to take his life and just slitting his wrists. I wanted to just hug him and take him home! Grandpa’s blood levels, known as INR (measures the bloods ability to clot), were way too high meaning his blood was too thin but over the course of his 2 week stay it managed to get back to normal. Towards the end thou, he was fighting a fever with no source of infection. In the end, just his body fighting the cancer. This was all during Valentines Day and so of course, I brought him flowers and one of my Red Velvet cupcakes. He tore that cupcake UP! lol I loved it! Grandpa finally was good to go back to rehab, psych eval, new anti-depression meds and he was good as new…well as much as a 79 year old could be.
A week and a half go by grandpa appeared to be doing well in rehab, getting stronger. On that Sunday the 26th, he wasn’t looking so hot and he didn’t feel right either. So he was having a bad day, that happens right??!! In his case, WRONG!! Hospital stay #3 (in just under 2 months)…Tuesday the 28th Grandpa is rushed to the hospital again for respiratory failure and possible pneumonia. He loses consciousness while there and so he ends up intubated…siiiiiiiighhhhhhh…how much more can he take!! Luckily the next day he was extubated, I went to see him and he didn’t look too bad. The next day…lets just say I began to consider the fact that these were his last days. :( But in old grandpa fashion, when I went to see him again that weekend it was just a total difference, so weird! I felt such a sense of relief. He wasn’t in the clear thou…they needed to test his ability to swallow and in doing so, they learned he will never be able to eat or drink again, EVER! According to his MRA of his brain, he had 2 new strokes. One in the frontal region of his brain, the 2nd in the same area as his old past stroke…the Pons. The Pons happens to be the area of your brain that controls the ability to use your throat muscles I guess and basically that new stroke took it away from him. End result, nasogastric feeding tube.
All of a sudden basic care seems to be an issue because now he has bed sores and the lack of suction on time, he now DOES have pneumonia and his chest xray shows a whited out right lung…WTF!! It’s so frustrating because I don’t understand how the ball can drop so hard when things had been running smoothly yet at the same time…I understand its hard when you have multiple patients to care for who all have needs. As you can tell from the sounds of it, grandpa isn’t doing so well and that fever is back. Sadly at this point, we as a family understand he is terminal and so therefore what we want most is to make him as comfortable as possible. We love him too much to have him suffer. We love him enough to say its ok to let go if you are ready.
I have no idea when that day will come. A few days, a few weeks…we don’t know. It’s one hell of a rollercoaster thou, physically, emotionally, mentally! Especially when there are too many cooks in the kitchen who fail to check and see what the other is cooking before they serve it. I.E. these doctors who are all involved in my grandpas case, all have something to say but no one has the SAME THING to say. Dealing with the idea that he will be leaving us soon is hard enough, the fact that these freakin docs can’t get their shit together is worse. In the end, we only want what’s in HIS best interest. We’re going on almost 2 weeks again of being in the hospital and I wish he was at MY hospital. One thing I do know, even though I can’t be there at all times, he is in my mind AT ALL TIMES!! He is still with us for now and I am thankful!
I love you Avô!! (grandfather in Portuguese)
FOREVER and ALWAYS and beyond the day you take your last breath…
One last thing…the ONE thing I always wished to give my grandpa before he passed was seeing me walk down that aisle, happily married, with more great grandchildren for him to meet. :( I couldn’t give him that and I can’t help but cry at night. But I understand that everything happens for a reason, he changed him flight to come 6 months sooner for a reason, he is still with us for a reason!! I couldn’t ask for anything more….